Messages of Mentorship

You don’t have to learn the hard way. But if you’re like me, that’s where most of the lessons seem to come from. My biggest growth has come through the most egregious mistakes, because I never half-do anything, not even my mess-ups. That’s why I’m starting a series called Messages of Mentorship where I journal and reflect on what I’m learning as a leader and highlight key themes you can take with you. My hope is that you can carry these lessons forward without having to learn them the same way I did, through fire, rubble, and the long process of picking up the pieces.

What Makes a Good Leader?

In high school, my band director used to say a good leader is someone who is liked as much as they are productive. He said it in a more philosophical way, but that was the gist.

I hated that definition because I told myself, “I’m a great leader and people don’t have to like me, they just have to respect me and do what I say.” I’ve always been Miss Productive and Organized. I can get tasks done all day long as long as nobody slows me down.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized leadership isn’t just about tasks. It’s also about relationships. Right now, I have the task part down. The relationship part is where I’m growing. The “heart work.”.

Heart work is the hard work. - Dr. KC

Why Heart Work Feels Hard

Because it requires humility. And humility means sitting in discomfort. Heart work asks me to pause, reflect, and shift my perspective so I can actually meet people where they are instead of dragging them where I want them to go. You can’t harass people into an outcome. Like my favorite reminder says: “The rat is always right.” - Bf Skinner

My Greatest Challenge Right Now

Not intention. Not passion. Communication. Miscommunication, to be exact. I’ve learned that I can be “wrong in my rightness.” Meaning: I might technically be correct in what I’m saying, but if my delivery is off—if it feels adversarial instead of collaborative—then the whole message gets overshadowed. If I want to be heard, I need to come from a place of solutions, not critique. Strength-based. Collaborative. Always.

A tool I use now before sending tough emails is what I call the 5 A’s Framework:

• Acknowledgement – Name the situation honestly, either how others experienced it or the outcome that came from it.

• Accountability – Own your role in what happened without excuses.

• Anecdote – Share your perspective on why it happened, while still leaving space for the other person’s interpretation.

• Apology – If one is needed, give it. Better safe than sorry (it’s usually better to apologize than to hold back).

• Action + Ask – Explain what you’ll do moving forward and clearly state what you need from them.

It’s my receipt for accountability with grace.

Change Takes Time

Patience is a leadership virtue. Remember: “It’s harder to turn a cruise ship than a tugboat.”

The bigger the system, the slower the shift. I’m learning I thrive best on small teams—little boats. But if I want to make big impact, I need to become a strong captain who can navigate the bigger ships.

Expectations: The Silent Saboteurs

There are three kinds of expectations that trip us up:

• Unmet – An expectation was clear, but it wasn’t fulfilled.

• Uncommunicated – An expectation was never shared, so the other person didn’t know it existed.

• Unrealistic – An expectation was set, but it isn’t possible or fair to achieve.

When frustration rises, it almost always ties back to one of these. Identifying which one is at play makes collaboration easier, because now we know where to intervene.

Why Solutions Matter

Complaints just make you sound like a critic. Solutions position you as an ally. It’s not about having all the answers, but showing up with ideas and the willingness to collaborate. If you dump problems on someone else’s doorstep without offering a way forward, all you do is sour the mood. And nobody gets lemonade.

Growing Pains and Grace

I’m in another one of those seasons where I’m being stretched with opportunities and responsibilities I don’t feel ready for. The only way through it is to reflect, repair, and move forward. But here’s the good part: when you have people who see your heart and believe you’re worth the effort, you realize you’re not hopeless. You can grow through anything.

Heart work is the hard work. And every time I practice it, I see that leadership isn’t just about steering the ship. It’s about keeping everyone on board, rowing together, and believing in the journey.

Reflection Activity