Love Shouldn’t Hurt: Learning Healthy Love and Self-Love

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?”— RuPaul Charles

When we ask ourselves “What is healthy love?”, it’s just as important to ask “What isn’t?” This is a question that, for me, came at a cost, the kind of cost that reshapes your sense of self, safety, and worth.

When “Love” Isn’t Love

I spent the developmental years of my life in relationships that I thought were normal. I excused behaviors that were manipulative, isolating, and abusive because I believed the phrases: “This is what a real relationship is like” “I do this because I love you.”

I was silenced, controlled, and emotionally broken down under the illusion of being protected. I told myself it wasn’t abuse because “he never hit me”. Those words haunt me and reflect how deeply I had been conditioned to accept harm as love. I just didn’t have knowledge or the language or the support to name it yet.

When I finally left, I was left with pieces of myself that no longer seemed to fit together. I carried a distorted view of who I was, unsure of my identity, and terrified by a diagnosis (as a result of the abuse) that made me believe I might never be loved again. My pain didn’t fit the “traditional” image of self-harm, so few people recognized that I was struggling. In both the moment and the aftermath, many of the people I loved most questioned my truth. Some didn’t believe me. Some even sided with my abuser. I was told it was my fault, made to feel unworthy of being believed, let alone worthy of being loved.

Finding Healing in Healthy Love

Then I met Clifford.

Everyone deserves a Clifford.

When I first met him, I tried every way possible to push him away. Weekly attempts to break up, emotional spirals, self-sabotage, because I didn’t feel worthy of the stability he offered. But he stayed.

When I’d panic and say he’d be better off without me, he’d gently tell me to have a snack, take a nap, and we’d talk later, not because he dismissed my feelings, but because he wanted to meet me where I was. Clifford showed me that love isn’t about fixing someone or enduring chaos in the name of passion. It’s about consistency, patience, and mutual accountability.

He never yelled, insulted, or weaponized silence. He never touched me in anger, shamed me, or invaded my privacy. We created what we call a “Continuous Growth Plan”, an ongoing commitment to self-work and relational health.

We check in with each other regularly:

• “Do you feel loved? How can I make you feel more loved?”

• “How can I support you? Is there anything that has been bothering you?”

• “What’s your bandwidth to support me right now?”

This kind of love doesn’t demand perfection, it requires partnership.

Lessons in Love and Self-Worth

Through this journey, I’ve learned that love should feel safe, not performative. It should expand you, not erase you. And that self-love isn’t a prerequisite for love, but it is the foundation for loving well.

Here are a few lessons I’ve carried with me:

1. You can heal and love at the same time. You don’t have to be “fully healed” to deserve love, you just have to be self-aware, willing to grow, and responsible for your healing.

   
   

2. Stop giving one person a dozen chances, give a dozen people one. You don’t need to settle or convince anyone to treat you well. Healthy love does not require persuasion.

   
   

3. Don’t fall in love with potential. You can’t love someone into changing. Love the person in front of you, not the one you hope they’ll become.

   
   

4. Be able to be alone. Co-dependency isn’t connection. You can’t build a healthy “we” if you don’t have a healthy “me.”

   
   

5. Know your non-negotiables. For me, it’s finances, kids, marriage, family priorities, political values, and faith. Shared foundations build stable futures.

   
   

6. Love their people. If family matters to you, your partner’s family dynamic will shape your world too. Choose love that feels compatible both in partnership and in community.

   
   

Redefining “Healthy”

Youth dating violence isn’t rare; it’s under-recognized. When we teach the next generation what healthy love looks and feels like, we are preventing trauma before it takes root. We have a responsibility to model what love looks like when it is rooted in safety, respect, autonomy, and empathy. Because love shouldn’t hurt. And everyone deserves a Clifford, but first, everyone deserves themselves.